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After a Miscarriage: Coping as a Surrogate

Posted: 02/24/22

Miscarrying a baby is a heart-wrenching experience. Surrogates have an added layer with the worry of how the intended parents might be processing it. They often feel as if they have let down the intended parents and/or the surrogacy agency. There is no blame in any direction. Going through a miscarriage as a surrogate can be so many things, especially as you are on medication, it can intensify so many emotions and feelings.  

There are different types of miscarriages 

A pregnancy that ends on its own within the first 20 weeks of gestation is called a miscarriage. It is the most common type of pregnancy loss. Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Chemical pregnancies may account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. This occurs when a pregnancy is lost shortly after implantation, resulting in bleeding that occurs around the time of her expected period. The woman may not realize that she conceived when she experiences a chemical pregnancy. 

The causes of miscarriage are mostly unknown. However, there are some factors that may increase the chances of it occurring. For a miscarriage that occurs within the first trimester, however, the cause is usually due to abnormal chromosomes. 

This is when the baby’s chromosomes aren’t quite correct. It could be that there isn’t the correct number of them, or the chromosomes have been damaged. 

In this case, chromosomal abnormality occurs because of a damaged egg or sperm cell. Or it may be due to a division problem that the zygote had.  

Miscarriage is one of those things you simply can’t control and happens more often than you think. Many times, the causes of a miscarriage are varied, and most often cannot be identified. 

We are here for you, your family and your Intended Parents and will help navigate the next steps. During this time, but please be gracious to yourself and know that you did NOTHING wrong.  

Make time for self-care 

Taking time for yourself is key. Be kind. Miscarriages are both physically and emotionally draining. Give yourself time to heal. Take as much time to rest as possible. Once cleared by your doctor, try adding back gentle exercise. Pampers yourself and do some of your favorite things, whether that means buying fresh flowers, getting a pedicure, or curling up with a book and a cup of tea. 

Lean on your support system 

Those who love and care about you want to be there for you. They want to help walk through this with you. Your coordinator at Surrogate Solutions is there for you and wants to support you as well. It’s important for you to reach out and share your needs with others. If you’re not ready to talk, that is okay too. Maybe consider writing your feelings in a journal. At Surrogate Solutions, we also have a closed/ private Facebook page for our surrogates only. Many surrogates find comfort in sharing their experiences in this group. If you are not yet a member, here is the link. 

Get professional help if you need it 

Sometimes getting professional help is needed. A counselor can help you work through your feelings and get you back on your feet. If you’re not sure how to find a counselor, give your Coordinator at Surrogate Solutions a call and they can offer guidance, support and an open ear to listen to how you are feeling.  

Online Resources 

There are some online resources available which may or may not appeal to you, but we wanted to share all of the resources! 

Listen to your doctor 

Your OB/GYN can tell you what to expect in the days ahead. You will want to follow their recovery instructions closely. Make sure to ask about any concerns you may have and take things day by day. Your doctor can also refer you to a counselor if you would like to speak to one. 

Don’t feel pressured 

You know yourself best! You will know when you are physically and emotionally ready to try again. Your Intended Parents may be eager to start another round quickly, but it’s important that you are at 100 percent physically and mentally before starting the process again. Your agency and IPs should understand. 

If you’d like to learn more about coping with miscarriage loss or are interested in becoming a surrogate, contact the experts at Surrogate Solutions. We are here to provide the support and guidance you need throughout the process. 

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